Corduroy Pants/Script
J: Hey ladies, you're watching Jake and Amir. A: Very cool. J: Shut up dude. :(Jake, wearing tight red corduroy pants, comes up to Amir, who is sitting at his desk) J: Hey asshole! A: Are you mad at me? J: (In a mocking voice) Are you sad are me? A: That's not what I said. J: These cords? Your fault! (Puts a foot on his desk) My pants are too tight, and that ain't right. A: I agree! Look, I'm sorry I couldn't respond to your texts as to whether or not you should buy the cords, but I was with my mom— J: Oh I can't wait to hear this story! I'm all beers! :(Jake acts out drinking a beer and tossing the can away, clearly amused with himself, while Amir looks on seriously) A: My mom was in a car accident, and so my entire family was with her in the hospital. :(Jake looks remorseful, but then...) J: Are you done being a jackass? A: I'm sorry, I don't know what else to say... J: No, I'm sorry. A: Thank you. J: Jesus Christ. It's such a tragedy. A: Yeah, it's just so weird that— J: Yeah, no, I can't believe a modern hospital wouldn't have cellphone service. A: (Confused) What? J: I—I—I—I—I'm appalled! A: No, it had cellphone service. J: Oh it had cellphone service! But you didn't respond to my text, so... Hmm, I don't know. Your lies are catching up with you Blumenfeld. A: It had cellphone service— J: How are you gonna play this one, bud? A: It had cellphone service, I just couldn't respond— J: Cause you were busy operating on her? Cause you were a PA or some shit? Are you a physician's assistant? Or were in the waiting room, with your dick in your hand? A: I was in the waiting room, yes— J: Then you had your dick in your hand. A: No I did not— J: You were in the waiting room jerkin' your gherkin'. I bet a doctor would frown upon that! A: No! J: I do! A: I was on my phone, okay?! I was on my phone, trying to start a phone tree to alert every member of my family as to what happened! J: You have got to be SHITTING me with that, dude! You were on your phone?! You were on your phone and you were ignoring my texts as they were coming in?! By the way, a phone tree works like this: you call one person, then that person calls another person, and then that person calls another person! It's not like everybody's calling you, making it so you can't respond to your texts, right? Is this some kind of reverse phone tree? Were you the trunk? If you're the trunk, then you got punked! A: I don't know what to say, I guess I got punked. It's just that I'm also in a lot of emotional pain too now, man— J: Don't play that card, you coward. Okay, I sent you 12 pictures of me in a dressing room, and it would have taken you three seconds out of your day to give me a hell to the no. You know what, even going forward, how about we say if you ignore my texts, that means not to buy the cords? A: Okay, I ignored the texts! J: Going forward, I said! Meaning starting now! And seeing as I texted you yesterday, Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do! :(Awkward silence) J: If anybody heard that and didn't laugh, I urge you to reconsider. Okay I would take a pity laugh to save face. Speaking of face—why is nobody sucking on my face, as I am looking amazing in these ill-fitting, slim-fitting, cords. A: I thought you said you didn't like the cords. J: Ya thought wrong! A pair of 'roys for this lazy goy make the Jewish sluts say, "oy yoy yoy"! A: Offensive! J: I buttfucked my brother! On a booze cruise! A: Can't you just return the corduroys? J: Of course I could! But that's not exactly how I want to spend my Sunday afternoon, right bud? :(Amir's phone rings) A: The hospital's calling me. J: And once again, you choose them over me. A: I haven't picked it up yet! J: Yeah, but I know you're thinking about it dude! And tell you what, if you pick that up, me and you are done professionally! :(Awkward silence) J: Another joke for everybody, that's Christian Ball sic, but seriously, pick that up and we're not friends. A: Fine. (Picks up) Hey, can I call you back. (Hangs up) J: Oh, oh oh oh that doesn't matter at all! You still picked it up! A: I hung up on them! J: You certainly did not! You left this conversation and started another one! Okay, how do you think that makes me feel? A: I told them I'd call them back? J: (Flustered) Please. You picked up, you said, "Hi how are you, I'm Amir Blumenfeld I'm a piece of shit—" A: No! J: You said "Can I please call you back? Please? Can I?" And I bet you do call them back! A: Yeah, I might! Probably! Yes! J: Listen, man. We have to figure this shit out. I'm sorry your mom's dead, but that's not— A: She's not dead. J: You've got to be SHITTING me with that.